In the following post, Roxanne Porter, a freelancer and a regular contributor to www.nannyjobs.org/ shares her perspectives on managing preschooler behavior. Roxanne provides knowledge about nanny services and enjoys writing on nanny related articles.  You can be in touch with her at “r.poter08ATgmail.com”.

Working with children for many years, puts a person in the unique position of having witnessed many different types of behavior. One of the most challenging periods in a child’s life for parents is the preschool years. Between the mixture of a desire for independence and the developing sense of self-knowledge, it can be hard for a child of this age to express themselves in an appropriate manner when they are experiencing a strong emotion. Additionally, many children between the ages of three and five years old reach a developmental stage in which they prefer to do things that may be beyond their capabilities.

The following suggestions about managing behavior are provided to help parents of preschoolers take advantage of the knowledge that nannies have gained from years of experience in working with children.

1. Set defined limits-Children of any age need to know what is expected on them. However, too many or overly complicated rules can be confusing. At the preschool level, it is best to stick to a rule for each year of a child’s age. A rule that they should help to clean up after playing is a good one to begin with at first.

2. Use frequent reminders-Young children are only beginning to learn to follow rules. Therefore, it is important for a parent to remember that they may need to hear the same rule over and over again until they learn.

3. Model good behavior-Children are always observing. In order to get a child to perform a desired behavior, such as sharing or cleaning up, a parent should first perform the act in front of the child. This will give them a visual understanding of what good behavior looks like. In many instances, a preschooler will immediately mimic this behavior.

4. Prevent tantrums-Public tantrums are one of the more challenging behaviors that a child can present. Many times, a tantrum occurs when a child becomes overly tired, hungry or bored. Before going out in public, a parent should always make sure that their child’s needs are met. This will help to prevent the frustration that often builds before a tantrum occurs out of a need for release.

5. Make it fun-Many positive behaviors can be taught by parents who use innovative and engaging games. For example, clean-up time can be made fun when a parent plays music or sets a timer. Additionally, a child is more likely to eat their food when they help to prepare parts of it themselves.

Preschool behavior may be uncharted territory for many parents who are surprised by their child’s sudden need for independence. However, by setting clear rules and helping their child to learn them by using fun and soothing techniques, a parent can easily help their child to learn to regulate their behavior so that they can enjoy their experiences together.

In an article by psychotherapist, Katie Hurley, she writes that children are not born bullies; bullies are something they become.

Ms Hurley believes that bullying is a learned behavior that is used in response to stress.  Bullying is an attempt to gain superiority or control over another.

She states that while some studies indicate that some bullies have naturally aggressive and/or hyperactive personalities from the start; that should not be taken to mean that all “spirited” kids will bully while all kids who are mellow or laid back will not become bullies.

Her premise is that bullies have immature social skills. They see threats where there are none and identify other kids as hostile when they are not.  Bullies lack compassion and empathy. They have difficulty understanding how others feel.

Ms. Hurley states in her article that while it is hard to find compassion for a bully, it can be useful, however, to understand some of the reasons why kids become bullies:

1. Strained parental relationships.  Bullies often lack warm, caring, and involved parents.  Parents of bullies tend to be highly competitive and place unreasonable demands on their children to be superior to other kids (academically, socially, athletically, etc.).  These parents often have prejudices based on race, sex, wealth, and achievements.  They teach their children to compete at all costs, and to win by whatever means.

2.  Inconsistent discipline.  Bullies often lack consistent discipline at home.  Their parents tend to have difficulty setting limits and/or struggle to hold them accountable for their behavior.

3. Poor academic performance.  Some kids bully in response to academic stress.  When they struggle in the classroom and feel that they are not being helped, they may begin to lose hope.  When hope is lost, children act out.  This can translate to bullies seeking “revenge” on the higher achieving kids.

4. Unsupportive peer networks.  Children who are isolated and feel disliked or unsupported by peers often turn to bullying to gain some social control.  Their distorted thinking causes them to believe that controlling other kids = having friends.

5. Child abuse.  There is ample evidence that children who are physically abused by their parents turn around and bully other kids.  Abuse is cyclical.

6.  Victims of bullies.  Many bullies have actually been victims of bullies at another time.  Due to lack of support, poor social skills, and relying on learned behaviors, these kids use bullying behaviors to try to gain superiority and control so that they will no longer be victimized.

7. Low self-esteem.  When you add up all of the possibilities, it should come as no surprise that bullies tend to struggle with self-esteem.

There are steps to take to avoid raising bullies. Below are a few tips to work on building positive relationships:

• Praise your children often.  Praise their big accomplishments as well as the little things that make them great every day.
• Listen when they need to be heard.
• Help them problem solve.
• Encourage positive peer relationships.
• Build positive sibling relationships.  Avoid comparisons, as this breeds unhealthy competition among siblings.
• Set limits and hold them accountable for their behavior.
• Teach empathy every day.
• Carve out special time with each child and spend that time doing something that you both enjoy.
• Talk often, even when you think they are not listening.
• Stay calm; model appropriate conflict resolution skills.
• Decrease exposure to violent TV, movie, and video content.
• Be present.

Ms Hurley finishes her article on an up note, reminding the reader, again, that bullies are not born; bullies are raised. 

She states that we all have the opportunity to raise children who will choose to be empathic, kind, and loyal friends.  All we have to do is teach them those skills.

Katie Hurley blogs at Practical Parenting.